Love Songs Unsung
by egyouppt
Summary: Being with her used to feel like music. Emotional and unpredictable and right. And before he knows it, he's thinking about it all again. Post 2x10


**A/N: **_I just want to say, my personal opinion is that I support Finchel and am not taking sides. I think they both have a lot they need to work on. However, yes this is in Finn's POV. I would ask that you please refrain from reviewing that you think he's a jerk or needs to grow up or anything. I'm just trying to get inside his head._

_Anyway, I hope you like this. And thanks to all my fildos for putting up with my incessant angstmonster! And super thanks to Politics(dot)and(dot)Prose for offering her support and opinions._

_Disclaimer: I don't own or profit from Glee. If I did, I wouldn't need to go to college. _

* * *

It's dark. But Finn doesn't mind that so much. In fact, it's easier. Because when it's dark, he can still taste, feel, hear, and smell her, but he can't _see_ her. See the way her lips would pout slightly when she's thinking hard or the way her eyes would get all bright whenever he'd say something she really liked. Or the way her eyes got all downcast and her mouth moved too fast and too_ much_ when she told him about her…_mistake_ with _Puck._ He doesn't have to see all the _lies poison heartbreak betrayal lies lies LIES_ that spilled from her lips over and over and over.

Being with her used to feel like music. Emotional and unpredictable and _right._ It makes sense, he thinks, considering they met over music. She was the only thing that ever made him feel more complete than music did.

He still remembers all the songs she sang with him and to him, duets or groups or solos. And all the songs he sang with _her_ and to her, duets or groups or solos. And he really _really_ remembers the important ones. The _real_ ones.

It seems like a different lifetime now. They're different people. If Finn knew what a masochist is, he'd agree that's what he is. He must be.

Because he lets the memories through, lets the _music_ come back to him. And because apparently his heart isn't broken enough (_yeah fucking right)_ he starts at the beginning.

You're the One That I Want.

He hadn't known it then; all he'd seen was her crazy eyes. _You're the one that I want to just take a few steps back._

If only it were that simple still.

_You're the one that I want to get your heart shattered like mine got shattered._

Don't Stop Believin.'

Don't stop believing _what?_ That there's a girl out there who's gonna love him enough to not betray him? _Too late._ There's no way he can ever love anyone as much as he loves —_loved_, he corrects himself. It's gotta be _loved_—Rachel. No one can break him more than she did.

Don't stop believing that when shit's bad it only gets worse? Well, maybe that's something he can commit to memory. Fuck, that's pathetic. But you know what? So is he. How fucking stupid can one person be? Seriously? If you get screwed over once, you're gonna get screwed over for the rest of your life 'cause everyone thinks you're too dumb to catch on. And apparently, he _was_ too dumb to catch on. So now he's just gotta brace himself for more heartbreak and disappointment. He grits his teeth.

_Hold on to that feeling._ Which one? Love? Fuck that. It hurts too much. Loving her hurts even more than hating her. He doesn't _want_ to hold on to that one anymore. It makes his head and chest and heart and everything just _ache._ Instead, he'll hold on to the feeling that at least now he _knows._ He knows this is the way it's always gonna be for him. He knows better than to let his heart get all tied up in a girl again, especially a girl with big soulful, brown eyes and a voice made of magic.

'Cause she'll rip your heart out, dude. So he'll hold on to that 'cause _that's_ the kinda thing you need to know to get through life. Fuck believing.

Push It.

He can't believe he'd gone along with that. Actually he can. 'Cause he'd been so mesmerized by how _smart pretty talented fucking _honest _(he grimaces)_ she was. But that was before. Before when he thought she was, like, _real._ And different.

Now he doesn't want to push anything except maybe himself off a cliff. But he doesn't even deserve that 'cause it'd been his own fault for being stupid enough to _trust her._ He doesn't deserve an easy way out, does he?

So now he's just _pushing_ those thoughts to some other less fucked up part of his brain.

Somebody to Love.

This just seems like a joke now. Rachel showing up and saving the day and he being so grateful and glad and _on his way to love_ for her and now it's like, _why?_ What was the point of her saying she's looking for someone to love? More like someone to charm and enchant and _destroy. _But that just doesn't have the same kinda ring going on, does it?

Of course not.

Well, _he'd_ wanted somebody to love too. Something more than Quinn and her crazy pregnancy hormones and flat eyes and bored tones. He'd really thought he'd found it too. Found _her._ The thing is, loving someone? It's obviously not enough. Nothing he gives is ever _enough._

_Can anybody find me somebody to love who won't turn my heart into a black hole?_ No.

_Can anybody find me somebody to put me out of my misery?_

No Air.

He knows how that feels. He knows _just_ how that feels. But it's different. Before it was like there's no air without Rachel cause how was he supposed to survive without her? He just wasn't. But now he has to and there's no air in his lungs and he can't _breathe_ with her or without her. She's not even here and she's still just choking and choking and _dear God, Rachel let go of me because I don't want to be in your life anymore_ all the time.

It's like he'll never be free of her. Like Coach Sylvester lying and saying there's no fire, no emotion. 'Cause in that moment is was _all_ fire and all emotion. Emotions maybe he wasn't ready to feel, but good and powerful all the same. Now it's all just hurt and backstabbing pain and things he doesn't know how to live with.

And sometimes, on good days, there's nothing. Maybe having no air is better because then he doesn't have to breathe in her scent.

Keep Holding On.

No. Invalid. What's he got to hold onto now? A handful of crushed dreams that all revolved around her and how he thought she'd be the only one to love him right? Yeah, no thanks. Jesus _Christ._ When is this ever going to _end?_ He just thinks in circles and ellipses and all those never-ending shapes when all he wants is to get _over_ her.

Because that's better than holding on to a lost cause, isn't it? Isn't it?

Lean on Me.

He remembers this. He really does 'cause even though Rachel wasn't the _star,_ she was still _the_ star. She was still all telling him that she's got his back. Obviously she meant she'll be putting a _knife_ in his back once she got it. He just hadn't been smart enough then (or ever) to read between the lines.

He's got his own back now. Well, in theory. Sometimes (all the time) it feels like he can't even hold himself up anymore. And maybe they were all singing that song for him and Quinn back when he thought things would be all good with them, like he thought things would be all good with _her._

But just like in everything, he'd been wrong. And if that's all he has to lean on, well _pass._

You're the One That I Want.

_Again._ But then he'd _known_ he wanted her and it was scary and _she_ was scary and he backed away. Should've known to stick with his instincts. _You're the one that I want but I can't have so I've gotta go away._

In hindsight, he should have just stayed away. Yeah, he would have missed all the banana bread and making out and feeling like he actually _belonged_ somewhere. But he also would've missed all the gut wrenching heartbreak that came after.

_You're the one that I don't want to think about anymore._

Imagine.

Does this one count? He thinks it does. 'Cause he'd sang with her right next to those deaf choir kids. And he'd _been_ imagining. A future where he could be himself and everyone could just be who they are and no one cared either way. And _she_ was in that future 'cause he'd _wanted_ her to be. It'd been him and her, in this weird future world together and it didn't hurt as much to imagine then.

Now he just imagines what his life would be like if there were someone he could fucking _trust._

The world can have all the damn peace it wants. It doesn't do shit for the chaos in his head, in his _heart._

Imagine _that._

Smile.

Yeah, well he really _doesn't_ wanna do that. Funny she picked this song. It hadn't seemed relevant to anything at the time. But it sure as hell applies now. _Why_ Rachel? Except he doesn't smile when she's in pain. He just doesn't smile _period._ There's no reason. Does he want her to be dead inside like him? Yeah, kinda. 'Cause she deserves it too, doesn't she?

Does it even matter? He doesn't even want to see her, miserable or otherwise. 'Cause it just makes everything so much _harder._ And God, there'd been so much sexual tension after that performance. All he'd wanted was to kiss her and kiss her and well, he'd always wanted to do that anyway, but still.

He'd been _smiling._ Just 'cause it was her.

He doesn't even know what that feels like anymore.

You Can't Always Get What You Want.

_Obviously._ 'Cause he wanted, like _really wanted_ to be with her—like, for _real._ Forever for real. But that just can't happen now, can it? 'Cause he's messed up and she's…she's…he doesn't even _know._ And that only makes it worse 'cause he used to know _everything_ about why he loved or loves, no wait, _loved_ her. He remembers wanting to prove himself to her and to the team, but mostly to her. He'd gotten that, he was pretty sure.

Sometimes being special sucks, Mr. Schue had told him. That's true. And _sometimes_ being special sucks out your goddamn _soul._

Sometimes what you _want_ doesn't mean _shit._ 'Cause yeah you can't always get what you want.

Even if it's maybe the only thing you've ever really wanted. Like, he _wants_ to be able to close his eyes and not see her. He _wants_ to be able to not hear her voice haunting his dreams every time he tries to sleep. He _wants_ to not smell her on all his clothes no matter how much he washes him. And he just _wants_ to say this never happened and it's all a dream and she never really broke his heart.

But that's kinda out of the question now, isn't it?

_You can't always get what you want, even if it would fix everything._

My Life Would Suck Without You.

They were singing this for Mr. Schue, yeah, but there's a sentiment there still. They'd sang it as a group for the group. And his life _did_ suck without Rachel in it.

Now his life just plain _sucks._

Gives You Hell.

He remembers how shitty he felt when she sang that to him. How awful he felt that he'd let her down _again._

_What about me, Rachel?_ Did she think of how awful _this_ would make him feel? Oh wait, she _wanted_ to make him feel like shit! Congratulations! 'Cause it fucking worked! Why is he _doing_ this to himself? Why is it when he feels like dirt he has to make it worse by thinking about it all the time?

_When you see my face, hope it gives you hell._

Don't worry, Rachel. _It does._

Borderline. Open Your Heart.

_Oh God oh God oh God oh God._ That's exactly what he'd done! Opened his heart to her. And look where it had gotten him! Lying on his bed in the dark on the verge of tears because she crushed out everything joyous inside him.

_Stop playing with my heart._

Kinda ironic that _she's_ the one who sang that, isn't it? 'Cause in the end, the joke was on him, wasn't it?

_You're making such a fool of me._

Well, at least he'd been right on the money with _that_ one. Of all the things to be right about!

Here's the thing: _don't._ Don't open your heart. All you'll get is it stolen away from you in the good way only to be stolen away from you in the _bad awful betraying I don't ever wanna feel this way again_ way. And it's really not something you ever wanna feel.

_He_ would know.

Like a Prayer.

It's kinda funny, you know? Like, he sorta thought of Rachel like his prayers having been answered. Especially when they got together for real. She just made him feel like everything was where and how it was supposed to be. And he just _misses_ that. Almost as much as he misses _her,_ but who's admitting that? Of course he misses when he was happy! So does every other person on the planet! It doesn't mean there's any way he can get it back.

Life's a mystery. Yeah, it is. But so are the people in your life. And seems like they're never a mystery in the good way. It's always one way they can fuck you up or another. He really doesn't like Madonna anymore; barely even sees her as smokin' or whatever he told Mr. Schue. 'Cause she just brings pain and stupid depressing emotions now. Just like everything else.

And it _sucks_ 'cause _he'd_ put that number together and he'd been so damn proud of it. And now he just resents it.

_Figures._

Is it even fucking _necessary_ to bring up Run Joey Run? 'Cause really, if he'd thought _that_ kind of manipulation from her was bad…

_Fuck._

Goddamn it, that song _sucks._ But he'd done it anyway 'cause they were friends and yeah, he'd wanted to show her how awesome he could be to and for her. Didn't matter then and it definitely doesn't matter _now._ Because obviously everything he had _still_ wasn't enough.

It never is.

Total Eclipse of the Heart.

She'd looked so broken and sad and regretful when she sang it. He'd felt his heart clench painfully 'cause he'd wanted nothing more than to forgive her. Well, that's what he wants now, too, but it's different. Oh man, is it different. She'd just been lost and confused and obsessed with her reputation (which is something he can relate to) then. So he'd gotten over it.

But now? She's just _cruel._ So forgiving her? It's not really an option. At least not any time soon.

_Turn around, bright eyes._

Jessie's Girl.

And here, ultimately, is his downfall. 'Cause he'd wanted her _so bad._ Not just in the sex way. But like, he just _wanted_ her to be his everything. And if he hadn't bared his soul, then yeah he'd still be miserable. But not _this_ miserable. Everything good he ever felt about her was poured into that performance. And yeah, so it wasn't _subtle_ by any means. But you know? It _worked._

He'd wanted and wanted and took and took and gave and gave and in the end, he was _still_ a fucking idiot.

Glee's supposed to be about opening yourself up to joy, right? 'Cause he was really convinced that's what he was doing. Embracing his feelings and shit, trying to make her _see._ Maybe she and Jesse deserve each other after all.

Then again, the thought of her with someone else, anyone else, but _especially_ that Jesse kid still puts bile in his mouth. And if he's gonna be miserable and dead and alone, so is she. 'Cause she did it to him as much as he's ever done it to her.

She's not Jesse's girl. She's not _anyone's_ girl. Not anymore.

So why the _fuck_ is her name still written all over his heart?

One.

Doesn't that kinda say it all?

Oh yeah, she definitely disappointed him. But it's not just that. People disappoint him all the time. But she's _Rachel._ She was supposed to be and _stay_ the one constant bright spot in his life!

And for the record, Rachel, _no_ it's _not_ getting better. It probably never will. But that's life, isn't it? That's fucking lame, seriously.

_You act like you never had love and you want me to go without._

Well, obviously. 'Cause if she _wanted_ him to have love, she'd be here and with him and not a liar. And not a cheater and they _can't_ carry each other anymore 'cause there's too much of everything between and behind them.

Too much weight on their shoulders. How can love be a higher law if no one, not even _Rachel,_ abides by it? All the things that he used to think made some kind of sense to him just seem foreign now.

_When all you got is hurt._

It's all either of them have now, isn't it? So much for being one.

Save for one big fucking _mess._

Faithfully.

_Lies lies lies lies. Don't cry, don't cry, don't _fucking _cry, you pussy._

But he does. He totally cries. 'Cause it's too much and not enough and that song it was just…_everything_ there ever was between them. Doesn't she _see?_

They could have would have _should_ have been forever. Forever _and_ faithfully. But now it's just not gonna happen because you can't have forever and faithfully without the _faithfully_ part. And without that, the forever means less than _nothing._

If she, if he, if _they're_ so nothing, why the hell does she still mean _everything? _It's not fair and it's not faithfully and he's just getting a goddamn headache.

He wipes at his eyes angrily, 'cause he needs to stop crying and being a pansy. But it's just so _hard._

The rest of Regionals wouldn't have meant _anything_ without that song and everything it meant to them. So yeah, she's loved or touched or squeezed another and it's just so _wrong,_ and that, _that's_ why he's stopped believing.

And then they'd had this whole blissful summer of singing whatever the hell they'd wanted and it kills him too much to think about.

The Only Exception.

Oh no. Oh, _fuck._ See, that song? It, like, made everything better. 'Cause she understood it and _him._ And if only _this_ could be fixed with a pretty song in her pretty voice.

But it can't. Like when he had tears then it was 'cause everything was falling into place. But they're here _now_ 'cause everything fell _apart._

So now's gotta wonder, what's he the only exception _to?_

Don't Go Breaking My Heart.

This time, he's gotta laugh. Mirthlessly. 'Cause it's actually a little funny, in some sick twisted way.

She _did_ break his heart. 'Cause actually she _did_ try to. That song wasn't supposed to be just a fucking competition song! It was a _statement. _A _promise._

_Nobody told us._

_Nobody told us that we'd sing this and it would all just be bullshit._ Like everything always has to be in his life. Why couldn't she just keep _one_ lousy promise? Was it a joke? Was _he_ a joke? 'Cause it never seemed like it.

He'd always _believed_ her. 'Cause he'd never had a reason _not to._

_Don't go breaking my heart._

That's all he wanted. Maybe it was too much.

With You I'm Born Again.

You know, he'd been really proud of coming up with that idea. And _Rachel_ had been really proud of him too. He just wishes it made a fucking _difference_ now.

Damnit, Janet.

Yeah, it was for a play. But the thing is, he could _see _it. He could _see_ himself proposing and them getting engaged and living in their own little bubble of happiness forever.

He _wants_ it. _Wanted._ It's what he _wanted._

_I love you._

Why doesn't that make everything better? Why _can't_ it make everything better?

Marry You.

_Why does this just get more and more painful as I go on?_ God, she'd looked _beautiful. _Breath-taking. And the way she'd looked at him when they were singing; it wasn't just words to them.

It was really _hey baby, I think I wanna marry you._

_I think I wanna be your everything for the rest of forever, Rachel. I really do._

It just feels like a broken promise now. Because how can he be her everything forever when he couldn't be enough for her after less than a year of dating?

He'd loved the way it felt to dance with her and show her off in front of the whole wedding. It was _awesome._ _Look, here's my girl and one day, that's gonna be _us_ up there. I just know it._

But he guesses he actually _didn't_ know it or he just knew wrong. Wouldn't be the first time, but that really doesn't make him feel any better.

_Hey baby, I think I wanna find a way to get over you._

Just the Way You Are.

Finn's not always as stupid as people think he is. Yeah, he picked the song for Kurt and to show Burt that he was cool with stepping up to be Kurt's brother.

But the song was about _everything._ 'Cause at that point, Rachel _had_ been perfect the way she was. And the love he felt for her was all warm and stupid girly shit like that, but it didn't matter.

'Cause when she was perfect like that, it made _him_ feel perfect or as close as he's ever gonna get to perfect the way he is.

And now the way she is just breaks his heart every time he looks at her or sees her staring longingly in his direction. That's the worst really, it's the fucking _worst._ 'Cause he's messed up like he's never been and that's the way _he_ is, but God, he doesn't _wanna_ be.

It just…_happened._

He _wants_ to forget. But it never happens. Just like him and Rachel getting married will never happen.

It sucks ass.

Last Christmas.

The worst part about this song is that he'd _told_ himself _not_ to sing 'cause if he did he'd get sucked in.

Then he did it anyway 'cause he's an idiot and even though she wrecked him, he _still_ has a tendency to fall for her. And all her little tricks and whatever. Truthfully, last Christmas _sucked._

He'd never anticipated that this one would be _worse._ Oh boy, would it be.

And yet…they'd sounded _awesome._ That's not really a consolation though 'cause it's just like life saying _fuck you. _Like he doesn't already know he and Rachel have this _amazing_ musical chemistry.

A small part of him hopes it's the last duet they ever have to sing together.

The other part says _you better get used to it._

'Cause as he's lying on his bed in the dark trying not to see her and trying not to let their history or musical compatibility get to him, he realizes the worst/best thing ever.

Getting over Rachel Berry isn't going to be tough or long or a _process._

It's not gonna happen.

* * *

_Thanks so much for reading!_

_Reviews = love. :) _


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